Harsh or Responsible? Please Share Your Thoughts

My daughter is fifteen and an only child.  Her father and I divorced when she was three.  We each spoil her in our own way, but neither of us gives her extravagant things.  I don’t believe in it for one and can’t afford it for another. 

I’ve ALWAYS been a frugal shopper.  All of my daughter’s bedroom furniture was bought second hand or hand me down until a few years ago.  I found a great deal on a bed, she liked it, and I bought it for her.  It took the place of the bed frame that I bought her at a yard sale when she was two.  She loved the other matching furniture items, but I didn’t have any plans to purchase any of them, as she didn’t really need any of it.  Instead of telling her a flat out no, I told her that she would have to pay for it herself.  She was around nine and asked me how she was going to pay for it.

It was fall and her birthday is in January, so the timing was perfect for this lesson in responsibility and economics.  Family members always ask if there is anything in particular she is wanting for Christmas or her birthday.  During that particular holiday and birthday season, she asked to receive cash for her new dresser and desk.  She put one item on layaway at a time and I took her to make her payments every time she found her way into a little money.  They employees at the furniture store were so thrilled with what I was trying to teach her that they even gave her special discounts.  Eventually, her new captain’s bed came to welcome a matching dresser with mirror, desk, and nightstand.

This past Christmas she wanted a special case for her clarinet and an iPod.  I also played the clarinet as a kid, so I knew that there really wasn’t anything that special about this case except that it looked like a lunchbox with a shoulder strap.   I am all about the gadgets and electronics.  I’m a hard-cord tech geek, but I’m also frugal to the core.  Disability and the little I make from the website only go so far, besides that she already had an mp3 player.  Once again, I suggested that she ask for money instead of random presents.  Our family loves it when she does this because they know she has a goal and she’ll be happy with their gift because it is exactly what she wanted.  A friend of mine ended up selling her a used iPod for $100 and she was absolutely THRILLED because she knew that I would NEVER spend that kind of money and it was much, much cheaper than purchasing a brand new one.

Recently, her iPod started acting up.  She decided that she could fix it herself.    Well, she did a few times before she broke it!  I was able to somewhat repair what she had broken, but it was broken for sure.  I looked around online and figured out that I wasn’t going to find another one for her at a reasonable price.  Instead , I went another direction.  I made the decision to upgrade to a new iPhone 4S, because I found out that she could use the old iPhone as an iPod since it wouldn’t have an active phone plan.  I was eligible for an upgrade and the two of us had previously talked about her buying my iPhone 3G from me for $50.   We  had also talked about her having to pay for the data and texting plans herself.  This still made me nervous though.  Did I mention that she’s fifteen?    So, having her use it as an iPod was a much, much safer option.  She jumped at the opportunity when I made her the offer  as an “it can happen TODAY” OPTION.

I took advantage of being in a larger town yesterday and upgraded to the new iPhone 4S.  My daughter was thrilled to have what we called her iPod 3.5.  She had an iPod 3rd Generation Touch with no camera and the iPod Touch 4 has a camera, so she now had a 3.5 model. LOL  Last night I posted on FB about our little transaction:

My child BETTER remember what I did for her today for a LONG, LONG TIME!! Her iPod died last night. It’s had issues for a while. I looked at the prices for a “new to her” iPod, like her newly dead one. I decided instead that I would upgrade my iPhone and she could have my old iPhone as an iPod 3.5 instead. LOL I’m not THAT nice of a mommy though, she does have to pay me 1/2 the price of her original iPod. I think it was a win-win for both of us.  

Imagine my surprise when the following goes on back and forth on my Facebook wall with no interaction from me:

• Niece #1:  thats kinda harsh! i have an iphone 4 and 2 of my kids have iphone3s and one more of my kids has an iphone 4 the last kid has a kindle and hes gettin an ipod touch real soon.
• Friend:  Not mean. Some of us not only live on a budget but don’t think children NEED the newest electronics in order to live. Mine have to earn every penny of their phones and devices. Especially if it still works. Must be working okay for us. Both my kids that are working are told how great a work ethic they have!
• Niece #1:  yes i totally agree with them wrkin and mine dont get everything handed to them either were on a budget also but i also think its ok to give them somethings when they earn it
• Friend:  Perhaps we just define differently what earn is or perhaps the category in which they are allowed to earn things. I just don’t find it harsh that they have to spend their money on their electronics. *S* I do pay the monthly bill if they keep their grades up and stay out of trouble though. *shrug* I try not to pass judgement on other ways of doing things as long as it works and its getting results that society won’t have to support after adulthood. I’m good.
• Niece #1:  yes then we agree on raising our children to the best they can be and being a productive person in society when they reach that age my children r raised to know that they dont get hand-outs from anyone and they have to earn everything for themselves
• Niece #2:  Well this will cause someone to make a negative response but I think Jordan lost in the situation!!! I agree with the earning thing but also with sometimes just giving to reward a great child!!!!
• Daughter:  I absolutely do not mind paying for it. My iPod was something I wanted but I didn’t want anyone to pay for it for me. I wanted that sense of pride that I payed for it with my own money. It’s the same way with the iPhone now.
• Daughter:  I also think its quite nice of mom for saying I only have to pay half of what I payed for my iPod

I had NO IDEA that any of this had transpired!  I clicked on my personal wall this afternoon to look for something and imagine my surprise to find all of this!  I attempted to respond to each of my nieces and was even more surprised to find that both of them had deleted me as a friend on Facebook.

WOW, family never ceases to amaze me.  I could bash my nieces all over facebook so that our mutual friends would see all of their dirty business, but I won’t.  I will hold my head higher knowing that my friends and my daughter support the way that I have chosen to raise her.  It was nice to read these comments:

• Friend #2:  I think it shows a lot of maturity on Jordan’s part to appreciate what a deal that an iPhone is for the cost of 1/2 of an iPod. I cannot believe the comments that seemed to imply that you “owed” her the phone or that she somehow “deserved” it for being a great kid. (She is a great kid.) But one reason that she is a great kid is that you have taught her to be responsible!
• Friend #1:  Responsibility is the key to raising children. We must teach them responsibility. Giving them something, anything, simply because they breath belittles them in the long run. They are worth so much more as a ‘whole person’. In life, we earn everything, no one is honestly going to ‘give’ us anything except love, which we all know, isn’t going to do us much good (think all those early years on mac and cheese trying to make ends meet!). Even God teaches us that we have to earn (have faith, steer clear of the bad, see the light at the end of the tunnel….) our right to Heaven. If we teach our children that they should get everything they want they develop the belief that they are entitled and if you haven’t looked at your paycheck lately, you need to! Keep up the good work! Earn the love and respect of your daughter!

The love and support of my friends remind me why I have chosen to have them in my life and a part of my child’s life.  Are we harsh or responsible?  Perhaps, but it seems like harsh people have a set of high standards and expectations that are helping raise grateful, productive children with much of the same.